I feel like my life is coming to an end.
I don't feel like a little kid anymore.
And that really, really scares me.
Unlike majority of my friends and neighbors, I'm not all that excited to go back to school. I'm not ready for more challenging work. I'm not ready to start navigating a new school with new people. I want more than four more years left. I want to stay a kid. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to make big decisions yet or go to college or get a job or leave my adolescence. I want to go back and relive the third grade. I want to go back to elementary school. I want to go back to my simple little childhood and never, ever leave.
Growing up, my absolute favorite book/movie was Peter Pan. I was so fascinated with the idea of running away to a magical island in the middle of nowhere, dancing with fairies, swimming with mermaids, and fighting pirates. I wanted to go on an adventure. I wanted to never grow up. I want to fly away with a total stranger and play all day, every day, until I could not play anymore. It was a dream come true for me. It was on every list wish list I had.
I watched the movie almost every single night. I read the book dozens of times. I researched Neverland and fairies and the Lost Boys, I got directions to Kensington Gardens off of Google Maps, I practiced flying in my bedroom late at night, I wrote letters to Peter Pan and attached them to balloons so he wouldn't have to fly very close to Earth to read them, I gazed at the clouds and stars trying to catch a glimpse of him, I did absolutely everything in my fourth grade power to get myself to Neverland. I wanted to go with all of my heart and soul. I still do.
Now, looking back, I realize why I wanted to leave and stay an immortal child. I'm scared of growing up. More than that, I'm scared of growing up, growing old, and dying. I'm terrified of death. I'm terrified that there is no such thing as heaven or hell and that when we die, that there's nothing left. That everything we've worked hard for in life has been a waste. That every good or bad decision does not affect us whatsoever. That there is no all-powerful, other-worldly immortal being that actually gives a damn about tiny, insignificant humans. I'm very scared of dying. I don't want to die. I want to stay an immortal child like Peter Pan.
I guess that's why I am fascinated with ghost shows and demon-hunters. I like to search for proof of another life beyond this one. I like having some sort of clue that shows me that there is a God, and he is looking after me, and he does care about me and how my day goes. I love when there is some sort of physical evidence of ghosts, of people from the other side, of a life after death. It gives me a little reassurance. It lets me sleep at night. It gives me a little something to keep believing, to keep praying, to not give up hope.
So, how does all of this tie into my upcoming high school experience? Well, if you think about it for a while, everything is connected somehow, but to make it easier for you, I'm scared that high school will fly by, and then the rest of my life will too, and before you know it, I will be lying on my death bed, surrounded by my family. I don't want anything to fly by. I want it to crawl along at a snail's pace. I don't want to grow up and join the real world just yet. I still want to be a kid. I want to be able to make a few mistakes. I want to take chances and see the world and be the best person that I can be. I'm terrified that all of this will be over before I have a chance to blink.
I want more than anything to make these next four years the best I've ever had.